


Life Changes

by QueenExplodoKillz



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Despair, F/M, Hope vs. Despair, Hurt No Comfort, Miscarriage, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:34:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24328864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenExplodoKillz/pseuds/QueenExplodoKillz
Summary: This is just something I wanted to get off my chest that I have been dealing or rather trying to deal with for a year now and didnt have an outlet for.The title is from a Thomas Rhett song that I listen to sometimes to remind me we got plans but life does too.Rated M for the topic I talk about.





	Life Changes

Going on two years of a marriage filled with lots of laughs, cuddles and a lot of 'i love yous'; built on top of 5 years of us in a relationship that was nothing but honeymoon bliss I count myself lucky to have a partner/best friend/husband like him.

Life has never been so kind to me so I'm forever grateful for this chance at love. 

Often I dream of creating a family with him, he'd be a wonderful dad, he's nurturing and encouraging and has an impressive amount of dad jokes ready to use at any moment. As for me, I want to be a supportive mom, the kind that lends an ear and a shoulder and encourages her kids to be what they want. We've talked about it a lot. The tripping over toys, driving them to games or recitals, tantrums, birthday parties, late night fevers, bedtime stories, dirty diapers. We want to be there for it all. The kind of parents a lot of us needed growing up.

I've been told enough times that kids love me, that I can be tough when needed and still be the one kids go to for consolation. Patience is not something I bestow upon anyone but the kids in my care and some select family members. It's just enough of praise that I'm not completely terrified maybe 72% terrified which is a good number to me.

My husband is great, the marriage amazing, we have two awesome dogs we love, we both want to raise a family and we're almost there if you ask me. So what's missing? 

Why cant i get pregnant?

I was pregnant. I found out for sure January 2019 and ordered a announcement card and a cute dad book right after, but ended up spilling the beans to him that night cause I was sick and he wanted to give me medicine.

February is our first doctors appointment we get told we're expecting twins. We made cute little videos talking to the babies not prepared at all for the what was coming.

Beginnings March I am told they arent growing I wait for him to come home to share the news but despite that we're hopeful idiots and there's a familiar pit of despair whispering my name in the distance.

Middle of March on a Wednesday, our hope and faith reach the top and go downhill full speed into that pit of doom. Just like the rest of that week.

Prayers go unheard, and I learn that any song can carry pain and suffering undertones if you listen to the lyrics from that dark empty pit I found myself in. Days and months blur together as I dive deeper into my pain. My husband's warm embrace and bright smile aren't enough to bring me back, mostly because I want the pain to take me.

I keep hearing someone snarl 'How do you look your husband in the eye after you've lost not one but two of his offspring?' it sounds so bitter and angry and has me convinced I am a failure of a woman, not fit to be a wife to the man trying so desperately to give me space to heal and push his hurting aside to give me hope. I see it all as if from a screen and cry because how much more selfless can he be? I love him. God I love him so fucking much. 

I'm angry at God but I don't want to be so I pray. Pray for forgiveness to what I said when I was hurting. Slowly that darkness get chased away but whispers still remain. 

My family still tiptoes around me but a close cousin lets slip someone in our family is expecting, she tells me its unfair she's pregnant, the soon to be mother has no love for me and it almost feels like a slap in the face. I hear that bitterness around me screaming unfairness as well, I lock it away.

The woman's unfortunate loss months later, break me. Soon after another family member-closer to her this time-is pregnant and my heart hurts for her so I pray God gives her strength to watch another thrive at what we have failed to do at such close proximity.

We start trying again and I'm sure I'm pregnant this time. My grandmother says she prays I'm not, it's too soon I dont tell her she broke a piece of my heart when she said that. When my cycle comes I dont let it discourage me. 

As if to test the honesty of my prayer god blesses not one but two loved ones with their own little ones. But I'm so beyond excited if anything it gives me encouragement! A baby boom in the family, cousins growing up like siblings what a beautiful gift.

The would be due date comes around, I find myself not as sad as I thought I'd be. False footing that gets ripped from under me as the holidays fast approach. My family's encouraging pep talks feel forced and untrue.

A new year is welcomed and the hope in me is fast dissipating. The last four months always start with unwavering hope and end with me in shambles at the beginning of every cycle only to repeat again and again. 

It's taken it's toll on me. It seems like every month a new pregnancy is announced, I am convinced that every time we're waiting for a positive test someone else gets it instead. I see celebrities announce and I hang my shoulders in defeat knowing yet again it wasn't my turn and with so much shame I come clean to my husband about it. The condoms become a regular again and with it the fun in the bedroom returns. The weight of my failure to conceive no longer holding me back. 

Somehow my period is late. I've ran out of tests but cant find the courage to buy one. Hope creeps in but I keep at bay looking at the facts. We've used protection and not any day near ovulation. It's highly unlikely. I'm almost a week late when I schedule an appointment. By this time the excitement is getting to me. They told me it'd happen when I least expect it and boy was I not expecting.

I wish I was writing this as a message of hope to all the women trying but I am a walking tragedy and you'll find no motherhood granted in my life yet.

Yet? 

Yet. 

I'm still a fool hoping.

My period comes and I try to keep it together. Telling myself we had facts I can't be upset. But I am, mostly because I dared to hope but also because I must be a joke to God. 

I get off social media. I don't want to see more announcements. I don't look around when I step out not wanting to see something thats been denied to me in someone else's womb. Because honestly I'm just tired. Tired of hoping it'll be my turn someday and I refuse to be upset or sad over someone else's happiness they don't need to see the longing in my eyes. 

I still ask myself what did I do to deserve this? How do I fix it? I obsess over every bad thing I've done, thinking that if I recall something and work to better it this curse I seem to have ended up with will end. But nothing warrants losing a child let alone two. 

And I never dare to pray for a baby, with my luck he'd give me a baby at the cost of someone dear to my heart. Or rip motherhood away from someone else. I couldn't live with that. 

This is it. It ends with me saying I'm broken and beaten. My heart is not recognizable, just a mess of shards around me. I'm holding on by one thread and it's my husband. Because even if I haven't given him children he holds me in his warm embrace at night and tells me it's okay he just wants me to be happy. And I wake up with him to see him off to work with love in my exploded heart's remains.


End file.
